Pad Thai

I am confident even I, with my non-existent culinary skills, could make this yummy dish.
Par-boil some flat rice noodles.
Clean and slice carrot, spring onion and beansprouts.
Cube some deep-fried tofu to bite size pieces (non-veggies use chicken).
Oil your wok and stir fry the veggies a little.
Add some egg, the noodles and the tofu and stir fry until the egg is cooked.
Throw in some sweetened soy sauce (non-veggies use thai fish sauce), pepper and salt to taste.
Serve with a good tablespoon of crushed peanuts, a good teaspoon of ground dried chilli, a half a lime, and some spring onion on the side.
Why not try it for dinner tonight?
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me if you poison yourself - I really can't cook.

Frescoes, elephants and chedis

Thai frescos

One of the best moments in Bangkok came on my tour of the Grand Palace complex.
I had taken a boat tour all that morning and was hot, tired and sweaty. But I really wanted to see the royal compound and especially the Emerald Buddha housed in a beautiful wat within.
The place was crowded with tourists and I wasn't feeling the experience at all.
But then I came to the marble galleries built all around the courtyard. I found a secluded spot, sat down on the cool marble, listened to some birds singing in the shaded eaves above me, and drank in the gold leafed frescos all around.
I was a happy man once again.

White Elephants

You see images of elephants everywhere in Thailand.
In antiquity, the king of Siam would give away rare white elephants as gifts. But he only gave such presents to his enemies or people who had displeased him. The white elephant demands so much costly special attention that feeding and caring for the animal would often bankrupt the receiver of the king's 'kindness'.
That's why we now use the term 'white elephant' to describe impressive stadiums and airports that a government builds for a town, but that the town really doesn't need and cannot afford to keep up.

Golden Chedi, Bangkok

A chedi is a repository for Buddhist scriptures - Dad and Mam, I hope that one comes up for you in The Irish Times crossword.

Thai Green Curry

My main goal for my first night in Bangkok was to have a really good meal in a Thai restuarant.
Now you know I've been doing the street vendor thing a lot. And that's all good. But tonight I wanted something special. I went to the restaurant of the Grand Hyatt in the centre of Bangkok and ordered the meal I've shown you here. It certainly wasn't hawker pricing but it was still way more reasonable than any equivalent in Dublin.
I may have let out a slight groan of pleasure when I tasted the curry - it was that good. I had already shamed myself in such a fancy place by standing up to take pictures of my food so I didn't care.
Maybe people think it's a bit weird for me to keep putting up pictures of my meals. But honestly, food of all kinds makes me so happy - it acts as a more precious souvenir for me than many things I could imagine.

Bangkok changes?

Fried tofu, basil leaves and chilli over rice

Things that HAVE NOT changed since the last time I was in Bangkok:
People still inexplicably sniff Vicks Nasal Inhalers all the time - like just walking through a shopping centre or waiting for a bus (must be to do with the pollution)
Ronan Keating, Westlife and Enya are still piped on a loop throughout this country - explains their career longevity, I suppose.
You see the most hardcore looking tatoos on many of the guys over here - the kind that are done with a single long needle - not a needle gun. It might be a religious thing.
You still get dripped on from above all the time - even when it's not raining. Best not to ask where the dodgy water is coming from.
Things that HAVE changed since the last time I was in Bangkok:
You have more chance of finding a Japanese restaurant in the centre of Bangkok than a Thai one.
There are way more police and army officers on the street - probably due to the recent military coup and unrest.
The King's image is more prevalent than ever before. I think this acts as a stabilising influence to the point above.

Despairing on Penang

My first day in Penang was what backpacking is all about. Unplanned travel can bring you the worst and best moments almost concurrently. Leaving myself exposed to what the open road had in store for me brought me from despair to elation in minutes. It felt good to be alive (in the end…)
I took the overnight sleeper train from KL to Penang. A very backpackery thing to do - you save one night's accommodation, get a good dose of local colour, and cover some serious ground. And all for a tenner!
I arrived in Penang in the pitch dark at 6am (the sun rises late down here) with no map, no accommodation booked and no idea what I was doing.
The fifteen-minute ferry from the mainland to Penang Island only cost a few cents - but I'd say that's what had been spent on the boat's upkeep in the last few years. I tried to calculate how far I could swim and what the most buoyant items in my bag were. But such drastic measures were not needed. I arrived safely at the port.
I often travel without a map. When I do I usually just follow the flow of traffic. This has an unparalleled record in bringing me straight to the red light district! Quite an interesting social observation that. I got propositioned three times on the one street. And it was only just after 6 in the morning. Is that really a peak time for such an industry?
That put me little on edge. Then one of the hotels I'd read about in a guide book many months previous turned out to be nestled down crack alley in Chinatown. Not the relaxing few days in the sun I was looking for. I moved on.
Two hours' walking is 15,000 steps. Add a 15 kilo backpack and 32 degree temperatures and you can imagine how I was starting to feel. Worse still both the 5-star palaces and 10 euro dumps of Penang were telling me they had no vacancies. It was getting to the stage where I was really thinking of just getting a taxi to the airport, changing my ticket and leaving Penang as soon as I'd arrived on it.
As I walked along aimless and despairing I came across an internet cafe. My Japanese hotel booking site gave me nothing. They didn’t have a single Penang hotel on offer. I tried Travelocity, Expedia, Hotels.com – all the websites I could think of. You would not believe the prices they were asking. Like 500 euro a night. I saw one room for 46 euro and thought this could be a goer. The booking was going smoothly until I read the notice: ‘Important information about your hotel: construction has not yet been completed.’ It was at this stage I would have loved to have had a good cry but don’t seem to have the ability anymore. It would have been such a release.
Then I got inspiration. About 200 metres before the café I’d passed a really slick looking hotel. A real 5-star place – it looked like one of those hotels you see in Wallpaper Magazine. I hadn’t even bothered going in to ask if they had vacancies. It looked that far out of my league.
I decided to do a quick search on the web. I found their site and lo and behold they had a suite room (seriously the best hotel room I have ever stayed in) for only 50 euro a night. I’ve put up a picture of the stylish lobby to give you an idea of what it was like. If you really want to know more got to www.ghotel.com.my
Mere minutes after my lowest point that day I was sitting in their café eating muesli and fresh fruit, drinking the best coffee I’ve had in Asia, and smiling to myself at how quickly things can turn around when you just follow your nose and don’t give up hope (close and all as I came).

I'm gonna be on Malaysian TV!!!

My second day in KL, I decided to take a walk at Bukit Nanas. This is a small swathe of rainforest in the centre of KL. It acts as much needed lungs in a city with far too many cars and motorbikes. I wanted to go to this green space to try and clean out my own system. Having walked around KL for only for only a day, I already felt the onset of black lung.
It was a nice little early morning hike. It only took about 30 minutes. You get to see KL Tower up close too. Early and all as I went, it was starting to get hot on the way down. I was sweating by the end. And I mean not just glowing – sheets of sweat were pouring off me. And naturally this is when I met the camera crew.
Yes, I’m going to be on Malaysian TV! In a very sweaty and perplexed state.
They trapped me really well. In another setting I’d have run away. But to leave the park you have to head down about 50 steep steps. A man, who turned out to be an assistant director, was loitering around the top. I didn’t pay him much heed until I’d just passed him and he shouted, ‘Stop, please!’ I stop, all confused. Then I look down below and there is a ten person crew with a presenter sitting on the last step ready to do a piece to camera.
I start to go down the steps and from both the top and bottom come shouts of, ‘No wait!’ I turn back to the guy nearest me. He says, ‘Wait until the director says action. Then just go down the steps normally.’ Yeah that’s going to happen. Like I normally have a camera crew looking up my nose as I sweat buckets and pray that my zipper isn’t open.
A few seconds pass. An assistant does the whole clapboard and countdown thing. The director gives me the nod. And I walk down without falling (a greater concern than the sweat at this stage).
When I get to the bottom the presenter holds a microphone to me and asks, ‘How was the scenery?’ The back of my head answers, ‘Very beautiful.’ I sped past the crew without breaking my stride.
Here's hoping the sweaty mess ends up on the cutting room floor.

Follow the arrow

See on the ceiling right in the corner of my hotel room? Can you see the little green arrow there? What do you think it's for? Major cultural sensitivity points to anyone who guesses right.
The answer: the arrow points to Mecca and allows Muslims to face in the correct direction when they pray.
I had to be told this. I couldn't figure it out for myself. I thought it was something to do with the sprinkler system.
I also lost a tonne of cultural sensitivity points for wondering why there was a doormat rolled up in my wardrobe. It eventually struck me that it's a prayer mat.
Yes that prized job in the UN seems to be slipping further away every day.